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Monday, April 11, 2011

Obsessions, Loves, and Favorite Things. Like Oprah, Only Nerdier: Legally Blonde

Disclaimer: If any of you thought I was remotely cool, I'm about to nip that in the bud REAL fast.

I told you I was on a roll. You're lucky I've been rekindling obsessions all ova the place!

Caroline's Obsessions, Loves, and Favorite Things. Like Oprah, Only Nerdier Blog Series #2
"Legally Blonde."

Yes, I know it's kind of a cop-out being a girl, who also happens to be in a sorority, and stating that I'm obsessed with Legally's a little redundant, but who are we kidding. There is sooo much to love about this movie. 
Once again, I feel no need to explain or share a synopsis. It's Legally Blonde. Not unlike The Lion King, if you need to know the plot, then I don't know where you've been for the past 10 years. 
Now, onto my thoughts:

1. I'll admit it. When I watch Legally Blonde, I skip the entire first quarter until right up where she goes to Harvard. 
I feel a little bad saying that because the first part is super cute with all her sisters with lucky scrunchies, and the whole break-up is funny, and I do like watching vastly unrealistic sorority houses, but UGH...let's just get to Harvard all ready! 
I'm ready to see Elle kicking butt and taking names, Warner dressing less like a tool, Dorky David, Jennifer Coolidge, LUKE..., Enrique, the UPS guy's package, Raquelle Welch wrapped in's just so much better. 

2. I'm cutting right to the chase. Luke Wilson as Emmett.
Umm.....drool. God, I wish they gave Emmett more screen time because I adore Luke Wilson and therefore, I adore Emmett. 
I don't get what Elle's problem is when she first meets him. 
I'm sorry, but if THIS guy turned to me and asked me if I was okay and gave me advice on my teachers...

...I wouldn't give a rat's butt about Warner Huntington III. 
Oh, not to mention we find out later he was top 3 in his class, editor of the Law Review, and ohh yeah--unlike Warner--already a lawyer! 
That pretty much guarantees an early retirement in some beautiful house on Cape Cod with lots of pretty blonde and brunette babies with names that begin with "E" like Emily or Everett, and taking family day trips to Fenway Park (Woah, put too much thought into that.) But really. 
Also, I have to say, I'm giving Luke a looot of cred for sporting an early-2000s middle-part haircut and STILL looking gorgeous. 
Thankfully, Elle does come to her senses, but TOO BAD that goes down without us taking part in it! They don't even kiss. What bullcrap.  I will bemoan until the day I die that Elle and Emmett (Gah, it even sounds good together.) never kiss. And no, sorry, a little caption at the end of the movie stating "Emmett is proposing to Elle. Tonight." does not cut it.  *carries away soapbox*

3. "Well, what does she have that you don't have? Three tits?"
Oh, Paulette. Jennifer Coolidge is one of the funniest actresses of all time.

4. Ali Larter is effing scary as hell in that phone booth-alibi scene. O_O No, she really looks demonic.

                                    Wait for it, wait for it. I think her head's about to do a 360...

5. The best part about Dorky David isn't just how much I love him, but that his dad was Norman Bates in "Psycho." .....I know. IMDB that shit.

                                                          He's such a gem. "Uh...both?.."

6. Selma Blair has, as my sister would say, "negative boobs." However, on behalf of myself and all the other members of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee: Welcome, Selma. Welcome. 

Speaking of Vivian, I may not dress in hot pink everyday, but good Lord that girl is DRUH-AAAB...I think Selma is gorgeous, but Warner is a freaking idiot for choosing her over Elle.

Point proven--because this is her best look in the ENTIRE movie: 

7. "Oh my god, the Bend and Snap, works every tiiiiime...."--my fantasy gay BFF. 
Actually my fantasy BFF is that huge black woman in the windbreaker and cornrows break dancing. What an OG. Yeeeup, let's be best friends, please.

8. My only hope in life is that when I reach mid-to-older age, I will look like Holland Taylor.
She's divine. Even though she scares the crap out of me.

9. "Don' estomp your little last season Prada shoes at me, hohney."

What a great scene. Shame I can't find clips...

10. The UPS guy.
 I swear on my right arm he's one of the photos on my dentist's office wall. At least he should be. Then I found out he was on Kyle XY, that show about that dude with no belly button. Randooo....

                                                     "He's got a package."

11. Hoku.
What happened to her? I miss her and her confusing ethnicity and looking strangely like Paris on Gilmore Girls. Not that I was particularly close to her, but I did like her hair. And her anthem, "Perfect Day," obviously.

OH UMMMMM, please observe that there is in fact a KISS, I repeat, there IS A KISS in this music video. But noooot in the movie....but nooooot in the deleted scenes...I just. don't. get. it. 

Peace, Love, and Reese Witherspoon, readers! Have a perfect day...(yuk yuk yuk)

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Obsessions, Loves, and Favorite Things. Like Oprah, Only Nerdier: The Lion King

Disclaimer: If any of you thought I was remotely cool, I'm about to nip that in the bud REAL fast.

Caroline's Obsessions, Loves, and Favorite Things. Like Oprah, Only Nerdier Blog Series #1:

Walt Disney's "The Lion King." surprise to anyone I'm sure...even with a super-awesome-blog-series-idea, I STILL can't seem to update this thing. Luckily, over the past two weeks, I've managed to rekindle not one, but two of my obsessions, loves, and favorite things. Most recently (as in like...last night) it is The Lion King. 

I'm not going to sit here and pretend like I need to explain The Lion King. That's the dumbest thing I've ever come up with. If you need to have The Lion King explained to you--don't kid yourself--you clearly spent your entire life locked in a cellar or the "chokey. Like in Matilda.  
"The Lion King" is one of the greatest Disney movies ever MADE and I feel so fortunate to have been the ideal Disney-target-demographic-age when it was released and remember distinctly seeing it in theaters. In fact, when I saw the Lion King in theaters, I ate a KitKat bar. BOOM. 
But do you want to know what I really, really think of The Lion King? Here we go.

1. I still haven't decided whether or not, if Simba and company were humans, if they would be African. 
I'm sorry, but when you have Matthew Broderick, (the whitiest of white men) voicing Simba, NOT excluding the ever-glorious Jonathan Taylor Thomas as Young Simba (who's equally as whity-white. I mean, he was on Home Improvement. Period.), it's preeetty darn hard to imagine Simba being African. Yes, in the Broadway show, all the lions are African, but frankly, I have yet to meet anyone who is African and/or African-American who mouth-breathes like Matthew Broderick. 
REGARDLESS, let's be real. Human or lion, Simba be fiiiiiiiine. You KNOW it's true. First, he's a LION. Second, he has amazing hair. (And really, what else matters?) Third, he's essentially a bad-ass. Oh, not to mention, his dad is uhh...Mufasa. (que pasa?) 
I mean, LOOK AT HIM! 

Matthew Broderick WISHES he was as bad-ass as his animated counterpart. Too bad for him, it's Not. POSSIBLE. Sorry, Ferris.

2. The death of Mufasa is the #1 reason for PTSD in children.
Honestly, if this moment in The Lion King didn't traumatize you as a young child, you were born with no soul. Compared to Bambi, for instance, where you only hear the gunshot, Mufasa would be the ANTI-Bambi. 
Did Disney spare all us small children the horror of witnessing our beloved-character-and-let's-be-real-surrogate-father Mufasa  being thrust from a 30 foot cliffside into a stampede of mad wildebeest? 
In fact, not only did Disney force us to watch his murder, they forced us to watch another SMALL child, SIMBA, race down into the gorge and ask his dead, trampled father that it was time "to wake up and go home" which...obviously...he didn't wake up. 
Why? Because we just watched him DIE
Ooh ooh WAIT, it gets better. Now, let's add some Hans Zimmer score and have small Simba cuddle under his dad's DEAD paw and WEEP. O_O 
Here's a little trauma refresher. Thank can me later when you're suffering from a long-term fear of cliffs and wildebeest:

They really should have support groups for solely this reason. In fact, I'm genuinely surprised there aren't.

The boy who played Young Simba's singing voice a la I Just Can't Wait To Be King? Jason Weaver. AKA Taj's brother Marcus from the show, "Smart Guy." You're welcome.

4. "Pinned ya AGIIIN." 

5. "The WATA-HOE? What's so great about tha' wata-hoe?!" ...Why is she ghetto...

Speaking of Sarabi, isn't she AWESOME?! You rarely see her really, but everytime you do, I looove her. She has that awesome regal, deep, slow voice. Speaking of: How on EARTH did Mufasa and Sarabi produce an offspring that sounds like Matthew Broderick? He should have gotten some kind of gene. I know, I took biology...

7. The Elephant in the Room: Mufasa seems to be the only male lion (not including Scar, what a joke of a lion). Wouldn't that make Simba and Nala?....
We'll leave it there.  

8. I remember the day I discovered Zazu was played by Mr. Bean. 
It was genuinely confusing because...well, Mr. Bean is an embarrassing, annoying moron and doesn't SPEAK.

9. Nala should be every girl and woman's role model. 
There's nothing really more to say. She's an awesome character and she's pretty. Except for she's a lion. But for some reason, you just know she's pretty. Plus, she was really frightening when she was hunting Pumbaa with those black gums of hers...

                                                     That's pretty terrifying. Girl power?

10. I'm so glad our moment of seeing Simba as an adolescent is about .5 seconds long
He looks weird and awkward. And weird. 

                              God, that makes me feel so uncomfortable. Uhhlllll....weeeeiiirdddd....

11. Jeremy Irons as Scar. That's all.

12. Elton John. 
Let me put it briefly. There's a reason he won Oscars for this. If you disagree, then you're stupid.

12. When I have a baby one day, I plan on rubbing fruit juice across his/her forehead and throwing dust in their face. 
Hopefully my future husband will have no problem with this. Although he may have a problem with allowing a baboon to hold our baby over a giant cliff in front of a mass of wild animals.

13. The last scene of the Lion King when Simba takes his place on Pride Rock? Could be one of the most epic moments in cinema history. 
Aside from...oh wait, nothing.
Don't remember? 

Goosebumps? I'm thinking yeeeah. 

There's so much else to say about The Lion King... So many great moments and's just so good.
I know Disney announced they wouldn't make anymore "fairytales" and while, yes I'm angry,  The Lion King isn't a fairytale. So, why don't they make more movies like The Lion King?... Talk amongst yo-selves.

Friday, April 1, 2011

I'm back and with a game-plan. You've been warned.
 probably goes without saying at this point that I'm a big failure in the blog-updating department. If it was a job, I would be fired for it. But like almost every single other thing in my life, I get super excited and into something and within two weeks I lose all motivation or become forgetful. All of a sudden, it's like, "Blog? What blog? Oh yeah. I have a blog..."

I'm sorry!

I think my biggest issue has been that my life is extraordinarily ordinary and very little has happened that I find remotely interesting to talk about.

BUT now I have an idea....

Starting now, I am officially launching a blog-series (if that's what you call it) that I have deemed:

"Caroline's Obsessions, Loves, and Favorite Things. Like Oprah Only Nerdier."

       You don't have to know me well to figure out preeeetty swiftly that well, I love A LOT of things. In fact, I can actually timeline my life--particularly from age 11 to 17--quite literally by all the things I have ever been in love or obsessed with.
Before you report me to the police, by the word "obsession" I mean this:
For any particular amount of time, usually very brief, there is something that you constantly have in the back and front of your mind. It's as if your brain has a [insert obsession here]-filter and you are always subconsciously trying to relate everything that enters your mind with your obsession. Not to mention that you have spent a fair amount of time Googling said obsession and therefore know ridiculously too much about it than what is socially acceptable.
          Now, not all obsessions, loves, and favorite things are alike. Some are bigger and more ridiculous than others depending on how long they last or how much to think or act upon it. Therefore, some things I love are preeeetty obvious and some are totally random and often simply a throw-back to simpler times. But I'm putting myself out there and revealing some of the most foolish things about me--if that was even possible.

          The best part about this little pet project is compiling a comprehensive list of all the things I have ever loved or been obsessed over. Of course, it's HUGE. Mostly books, TV shows, and actors, it spans the past 20 years that I can recall. So here's the game plan:

--Everyday (or every other-other day) I will randomly choose something from this list and write a blog entry about what it is, why I love it, how it began, what I think today, etc. It will be nostalgic, strange, potentially social suicide, and maybe just maybe, hilarity will ensue.

Here is my list. If you read this and see one that you think "I've gotta hear about this..." let me know! I will take requests. So here goes into the deep end.

Disclaimer: If any of you thought I was remotely cool, I'm about to nip that in the bud REAL fast. P.S. Some of these kind of go hand-in-hand...

Antonio Banderas                 
"The Mask of Zorro"
Archie Comics 
Kevin Bacon
Tobey Maquire
"Legally Blonde"
"Someone Like You"
Harry Potter
"Pirates of the Caribbean"
Orlando Bloom
The Outsiders
Rob Lowe
The Brat Pack
John Hughes
Jim Carrey
Bruce Almighty
13 Going on 30
Criminal Minds
Law & Order: SVU
The Big Comfy Couch
Maxie's World
River Phoenix
Justice League
Scooby Doo: Zombie Island
Gemma Doyle Series by Libba Bray
Nancy Drew/Hardy Boys
The X-Files
James Marsden
Fever Pitch
Anne of Green Gables
Stepp Sisters Books by Kathy Love
Love Story
Far and Away
The Swan Princess
ABCFamily's 25 Days of Christmas
VH1's I Love the...Series
Redeeming Love
Remember The Titans
Conan O'Brien
Kraft Dinner
movie trailers
Happily Ever After Snow White
Movie scores
The Lion King
Beauty and the Beast
Hunchback of Notre Dame
Sleeping Beauty
The Little Mermaid
Sense & Sensibility
Luke Wilson
Hugh Jackman
trail mix